GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE MARCH 10, 1995

BIG TIPS

Have an escape plan when visiting your in-laws

by M.T. "the Big Tipper” Martone

It's the Big Tipper here again to dole out advice on anything and everything. The letters are barely trickling in, so if it's a trust issue, let me say this: I've fixed up several couples who are still together. I have an extensive network of resources with whom to consult for questions of a mysterious nature. I could be useful to you. So c'mon, what's not to trust? Do it, do it, do it.

Dear Big Tipper,

I have a vacation question for you. I agreed to go on a week-long trip to Texas with my

lover to visit his friends and family. Unfortunately, since the time I promised to go with him, we have had an awful time on a trip to the Russian River in California.

I tend to get pretty anxious when I'm in an unfamiliar place and away from my daily routine, and I felt like he wasn't present for me when I needed him. We both know that I'm a high-maintenance person, so if his goal is to "just relax" on a trip to a strange place, with his family members and friends who I have never met, I think he's badly out of touch with what it means to travel with me.

We've talked about this, and he insists it'll be different this time, but I don't see how it could be. We love each other very, very

Your Mother Knows.

much—we just seem to have problems with our traveling compatibility. Any suggestions? Got That Motion Sickness

P.S. The trip is in May.

Dear LocoMotion,

Well, one fact we have is that although you were anxiety-ridden on vacation, your lover doesn't seem to have noticed. or it doesn't get him down, since he wants you to come with him again. Which makes him chilled and flexible, but probably not totally sensitive to your stress level if he wants to drag you through hell again without an improved game plan.

It sounds like you're pretty good at figuring out what you need, and pretty aware of what did not work before. If you do decide it's worth trying (although taking separate vacations can be a great way to chill out, affirm your individuality, and miss him deliciously), try to figure out how many days you'll be in flux, what's the minimum you need, and what you can't do without. If you need an hour alone with him before dinner

every day, just to ground yourself, then plan

for that.

If he wants time alone with his friends, and you'd rather stab yourself in the heart than be left alone with his family, you could plan a long solo day trip into a nearby city. The two of you might even go somewhere overnight in the middle of the trip (camping, or a bed and breakfast) to break up the time, and make it more vacation-y for you. What do you think? I bet you can hash out something satisfactory in the next two months. A big bon chance to you.

Dear Ms. Martone:

Love your column. Here's my kwiree: I'm a dyke, so what is the correct response to being asked by a straight male co-worker, 'Are married?'

you

Love and kisses,

The Anti-Discrimination Clause is There on Paper

But Not Yet in Spirit

Dear TA-DCITOPBNYiS:

Ah-this is a deceptively simple-sounding question. What's really involved is: 1) How out you are; 2) The motives of your coworker; 3) Your actual "marital" status; and 4) Your personal feelings about marriage, legal or otherwise. (I'm automatically eliminating all options that involve technical lying, i.e.: talking about your lover, but changing her gender.)

1. Not out? Then the answer is "No." (You deal with not being able to put her photo on your desk and veiling your conversations.)

2. If you think your co-worker is just being friendly and making conversation, go for it: "I'm in a serious relationship with my girlfriend (lover, little burrito) Marge," or, "No, I just broke up with my girlfriend of eight years. Can I have another donut?” Assume he can deal with the information he asked for. If he's annoying and just being invasive, who gives a flying Fig Newton what he thinks? Tell him you're secretly married to the female celebrity of your choice.

3. If you have issues with marriage as an institution, once again, if he's friendly but just a little dim, lay it on him: “I'd love to marry my lover Alice, but it's not legal. No family insurance coverage for her; bad deal, huh?" or, "I am a noble warrior-vixen of love and I choose neither to marry nor tarry long at any one maiden's fleshly pleasure portals."

As in any situation when you're coming out to someone, take care of yourself, and gauge your level of safety, but don't worry about his stress level. After all, he started it. Let us know how it goes.

Confidential to S.K.: If you're going to do it on your desk at work, move the tape dispenser first to avoid those nasty abrasions.

Send your queeries to The Big Tipper, c/o the Gay People's Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or e-mail them to chronohio@aol.com (on America Online, ChronOhio).

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